Pushing back

I have a tendency to push back. I don't know why but it is something I have been working on. It is hard. It is hard to look at yourself and try to understand why you do or don't things. To put a magnifying glass on what you have tried to ignore, didn't realize, or thought it was fine only to learn how much more you have to work on.

I have found when working on yourself it can be very hopeful and frustrating at the same time. I feel like I am partially aware of what I am learning and that more will fall in to place when I am ready. I am trying to put things into practice and quite often think "holy crap I still have more to work on".
I cannot tell you how f'd up I have felt about allowing someone's opinions to really cloud the truth and how that affected me. I have learned that they were pretty off base and I am also learning how to prevent that from happening again.

Losing yourself - I don't really recommend it but I have to tell you, I know I am stronger, wiser and will be better prepared for the next go round. Next time I see red flags, I won't be so quick to excuse, forgive, and or ignore. Rather, it will be discussion time and quite possibly time to move on. I think it can apply to any relationship in your life.Vague enough for you? That's okay, this part of the post seems to be for me and those who know of which I babble. :) Mayhap I should print it out and tape it next to the tenets on my bathroom door?

So I finally decided to take some photography classes, something I have put off for years. Part of the reason has been due to trying to find a class that worked around my work schedule and then the other being that I haven't been too thrilled with the thought of spending 5 or so hours in class on a weekend. I am sure a larger part was/is my tendency to push back.

I have enjoy taking pictures and thought it was time to take some classes. So I registered for classes this morning, which felt like a big step for me. I discovered when preparing to pay for the two classes that I am out of district which means tuition is about three times what I thought it would be. Two classes will cost me a little over $1,000. So I have until Friday to figure out what I am going to do. Right now I can't fathom spending all that money. That money could buy the SLR camera I want. So I am leaning towards reading more, taking more photos, talking to those who know about the subject and saving up for the SLR.

I think I am disappointed because I was really looking forward to taking the classes, meeting new people and learning about one of my favorite things. I am trying to step forward but it seems as of late that when I stop pushing back that I am running into obstacles. I should probably stop looking at it that way and I will try. Although life is a bit chaotic and frustrating right now, I know that a lot of this is what is supposed to be happening and I have some learning to do. So I am fixin' to keep a learnin'. :) For further stories about obstacles ask me about the church service I attended. Heh.

There is also a larger part of me that feels guilty that the things that are bothering me, are bothering me, when there are bigger, more serious things in life. I guess this is my stuff and I just have to keep it in perspective. I have a good friend of mine who is very sick and I haven't decided if I want to blog about it or not. She called me tonight and she received some good news and I am so glad that she shared her news with me. She starts chemo tomorrow so keep her in your prayers.

~E